I’ve been thinking recently about my life and the things that I’ve learned…and had to learn again. And while this idea of writing to “your 17 year old self” is not original or new, it made me think that while I have no regrets, I wish I could somehow whisper a few words of wisdom to the angsty teenager that was me at the time. So here is my list, minus the humorous and obvious things you’d say such as, “do whatever you can to work at Google in the early days”…

1. Take school more seriously – I wasn’t a horrible student by any means, but I wish I would’ve developed better habits of studying when I was younger, as well as taken my classes in high school a bit more seriously.

2. Don’t settle for less than you deserve/desire – This is one I’ve struggled with my whole life. And while I think most humans tend to do this in some way, shape or form at some point in life, I think it bears constant reminding. It ties in nicely with my next one which is,

3. Set high expectations - I often hear people say they set their expectations low so as not to be disappointed. But why do we do this? To protect ourselves from disappointment? What exactly is wrong with being disappointed? We use that word and feeling in such a negative sense, like we should be ashamed of it. At the end of the day, protecting yourself is not always the best thing. It’s a short term fix instead of a solution.

4. Spend more time with your parents - having lost my Dad at a relatively young age, I will forever live with the guilt of not spending as much time as I could with him. And while I know many people might scoff at the idea of spending more time with their parents, I only can say that I had a great Dad. And I wish I would’ve been able to learn more about him and from him while he was here.

5. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings – As most of my friends and family know, I have always been emotive. My Dad used to call me his “little Sarah Bernhardt. “Express, not repress” has always been a go to statement of mine. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s hard for me to hide my feelings, be it good or bad. But there have been many occasions where I’ve been made to feel guilty or ashamed of how I feel. And at the end of the day, it’s rarely served me well to not let my emotions and feelings have their say. I know many would disagree with this, but I stand firm in my belief that you should allow yourself to feel…these things are natural and true.

6. Don’t doubt your capabilities – Straight forward. I think I’d be in quite a different place right now if I had worried less about failing at something, rather than just doing and/or trying it out.

7. Eat better, exercise more – This one may sound a bit like a joke, but it’s so true. I think of what a struggle it is now to try to stick with a healthy diet and work out regularly. If I had learned better habits in my youth, I think it would be much easier now.

8. Be wiser with your money – Something that I think parents really should instill in children is the value of a dollar. I think my parents failed a bit here with me. I wish someone would’ve taught me better saving habits so I could have started at a younger age to be smarter with my money.

9. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero- “Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future”….Horace had it right. So many things I’ve talked about are on the serious side, but at the end of the day, life is fleeting. There’s a quote I love from the play, Steel Magnolias: “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special“. It’s a balance you should really strive for, but there are moments that will pass you by if you don’t take them. Take more of those moments.

And lastly,

10. Be okay with being you – I would say this not only to my 17-year old self, but to my 21-year old self, my 25-year old self, my 30-year old self and even my 34-year old self. In this day and age we are in constant awareness of the things that people are saying, doing, being, creating, etc. It is easy to get wrapped up in what you think you “should” be and what you think you “should” be doing. But where does that get you? Never really knowing yourself and learning about who you are. This, more than anything, would I tell 17-year old Melanie: You are unique, you are worthy and you are amazing because you are you. Do not try to be something you are not for this will only set you further back. Be you and bask in the pure beauty of knowing who you are and what you want, standing tall and proud, knowing your truth.

Photo from http://www.rajasthanhotelspackages.com/

I wake up before the sun rises, laying in bed contemplating when my alarm will go off, dreading the bee-bee-bee-beeep bee-bee-bee-beep, the sound of reality reaching out through a banged up twenty-two year old piece of plastic, run on a AA Battery, slamming the snooze button down hard enough to shut it off, but not shut off life, roll out of bed to the sound of cracks in my not so young  body, rubbing the crusty sleep out of my eyes, walking blindly toward the bathroom to perform my daily ablutions, the routine of it all not lost on me, this monotonous journey of reality, not the anticipated reality of my youth, traveling through the hot, sandy Sahara desert on camel back, turban wrapped around my head like the Maharaja that I surely would become, nor the white sandy beach, warmed by the touch of a tropical sun, watching the sun set over a clear, calm sea.

I drive down bumpy roads, marred by the plethora of trucks, cars and bikes that make there way through this concrete jungle, past the old barber shop with the red and white candy cane striped pole, well past it’s expiration date, the red more burnt orange now, next to the polished, sleek and gentrified NOPA, the contrast so completely different, you’d expect them to be in two different towns, let alone next door, passing by the mural wall that changes from week to week, laser eyed cats to stark white paint — a reminder of what a diverse and crazy city this is, on to the motorway with all the zombie automaton-like humans, doing their routine, blindly, with little to no passion as they drink their bitter, hot coffee from one of 50 Starbucks in a 7×7 radius.

Sometimes my mind gets pulled from the automation of it all, in the direction of adventure, of freedom, of bliss – I hear laughter and passionate cries of a life well lived…..like bubbles.

I sit, I stand, I stare, I piss, I lecture, and listen and talk, in various order for 9 to 10 hours of the day, heading back on the motorway, the mid-day sun that promised life as I stared out past my buzzing computer monitor, now setting behind the hill, a fraction of its warmth left on my steering wheel, a reminder of what has come and gone once again, zoning to the sound of the radio news anchors – Egypt, Libya, Syria, Japan, an annoying jingle for 1-877-CarsForKids that gets stuck in my head, yet I’m too numb to switch it off, battling past the same people in their metal cages, slowing, stopping, breaking, cursing as we put-put our way to our homes.

Climbing back under the same covers I left this morning, slightly less fresh, my head crashes to the pillow in exhaustion, in defeat, knowing the routine will start again tomorrow, looking forward to escape, I yearn for my real life, the life of my dreams, my hidden reality that will one day expose itself – just not tomorrow.

This was a writing assignment for the current class I’m taking, written without stopping for 10 minutes. The assignment: try to mimic the form/style of Ellery Aker’s piece, What I Do.

I’ve been rather quiet on this blog for various reasons. Mostly because I wasn’t sure what sort of purpose I wanted it to serve. It seems most of the time my friends and family can keep up with me on Facebook and Twitter. So I sort of laidlow and decided I’d wait to see what could develop for this blog. I’m still thinking about it although I have a few more concrete ideas that I’ll share as they develop.

In the meantime, I’ve taken inspiration from another blog I follow to create a Gratitude List. The idea is to create a list of 10 things you are grateful for, especially when you are feeling down or have lost perspective. With all the craziness of this year, I still have to count my blessings each day for the amazingness that is my life.

So here is my Gratitude List. I hope you’re inspired to do one of your own and post it on your blog…or if you don’t have a blog, write it down and post it somewhere to remind you of all that you have in your life.

I’m grateful for…

1)My health. So many people I know (or their family members) have been stricken with horrible accidents, diseases, etc this year. I’m so grateful that I have a relatively  healthy body and mind.

2) My family. I’ve realized that having a warm, loving, caring and supportive family is more rare than I would have thought. Thanks to my parents, brother, aunts, uncles and cousins for always being there for me and showing your unconditional love and support.

3)My boyfriend, Andrei. We’ve been together as a couple for over a year and friends for over 2 years. I still can’t believe he’s been able to put up with me this long, but I’m so thankful he has.

4)My friends. Too many to list by name, but I’m so blessed to have so many wonderful friends. My SF friends, my Choral Project friends and all those before and in between,  especially my 3B’s – you know who you are. They continue to entertain me, make me laugh and make me think. I have the best friends a girl could ask ever ask for.

5) My job. I’ve been fortunate to have survived the economic mess our country has been in the past few years and have kept a wonderful job with an even more wonderful company. While I may complain from time to time, I know how incredibly lucky I am to be where I am right now.

6) My home…aka San Francisco. With all its quirks (crazy homeless people, MUNI delays and pot-holed streets), I still think it’s one of the best places in the world to live. I have to remind myself how many people would love to live here and cannot afford it.

7)The Internet. As corny as it sounds, I’m grateful it’s around to keep up with all the goings-on of my friends and family. Life is so busy, at least I can keep up digitally if not in person.

Music. It’s very broad but I’m so grateful to have music in my life. Whether it be performing music or listening, it’s such a big part of me, I cannot imagine life without it.

9) Freedom. Again, broad but every time I heard of people being persecuted or jailed because of their beliefs, I realize how much I take for granted living here in the US. I’m thankful for basic civil liberties and the freedom to believe what I want to believe.

10) My love of discovering new things. Whether it be new places to travel or healthy living blogs, I’m always interested in finding and discovering new things. I’m grateful for this as it’s made me a better, more fulfilled person.

So I turn it to you…what are you grateful for? Do you recognize these basic things on a regular basis? I hope so and I hope you will continue the Gratitude List in whatever for you can…

Here's to 2011! Love, SFGirl

When you think about it, life is really made up of a bunch of routines. We get up, we go to school/work, we eat, we socialize, we sleep.  Granted, there are numerous variations one could have within a day – enough obviously to make every day just a little different. But in essence, humans are creatures of habit.

While searching for images on google for “routine” I saw something that made me pause.

I thought about this statement for a while. I think it’s all too easy to nod and say, yes, that’s true. But I actually don’t believe it is completely. Just because you have a routine doesn’t make you uncreative. As I said earlier, there are millions of variations of things people do that can in essence, be broken into categories/routines. And it also makes routine sound negative when in fact, I believe routines can be a positive aspect of life.

Take for instance this routine I’m trying to set in my life now. I want to be living a healthy life by eating healthy, whole foods, exercising to keep my body in shape and keeping balance so that my sanity is always intact. Sounds easy enough, but there are so many variables that can take you away from keeping this routine. I think about other routines in my life; waking up, eating breakfast, going to work. So easy, they have become no-brainers. I just do them without thinking about it. So how do I get these other things that I find important, into a routine?

It’s made me think a lot about how we as humans, create routine. I think first and foremost, it has to be something you feel strongly about and believe in. *check* Then, you must find ways in which you can make it real for you. Don’t just say you’re going to run 30 miles a week without having built up to it. Make it realistic. Too often I think we set a goal (that we’d like to be a routine) that is unrealistic and that just sets us up for failure. *check* Then…well, then you just have to keep forcing yourself to do it until it becomes a routine. This is the stage I’m at right now…and some days I’m motivated while other moments I am not. So I have to find little things that will help me along the way…in hopes that I won’t just want to be living a healthy, full life…I  will be.

How do you create routines in your life? What are the things you struggle most in accomplishing them?

I know, you thought this blog was dead…but it’s not.

After my last post about my Dad, I fell into a bit of writer’s block.  And also lost focus on what I wanted to write about on this blog.  I’m still trying to find that focus but will come back to it.  In the meantime, please follow my newest blogging adventures over at Pint Sized Musings.

I hope you’re all well!

Richard Lloyd Nelson

August 11, 1943 – December 4, 2009

Dad, I will miss you.

(Click on the link below to hear this beautiful song)

There Will Be Rest

There will be rest, and sure stars shining
Over the roof-tops crowned with snow,
A reign of rest, serene forgetting,
The music of stillness holy and low.I will make this world of my devising
Out of a dream in my lonely mind.
I shall find the crystal of peace, – above me
Stars I shall find.

Sara Teasdale

As we approach Thanksgiving I think about how many have gone by without really thinking about what I am grateful for or thankful for.  Not to say I don’t think about these things on a regular basis, because I feel extremely blessed in life and am so thankful for the people and experiences I’ve had.  But I think it’s important to recognize this holiday and what it stands for (other than getting a lot of tasty eats!) and to recognize that we all should acknowledge the things we’re thankful for in life.

• I’m thankful for being alive and healthy
• I’m thankful for my family who have been a rock for me my entire life
• I’m thankful for my many friends, especially those who enrich my life and make me strive to be a better human being
• I’m thankful for my job even though it can be hectic.  So blessed to work for an awesome company, especially in this economy
• I’m thankful for everything that has occurred to make me who I am today

I hope that everyone takes time to think about the things they’re thankful for this next week and strive to make it more than once a year.

Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow.  ~Edward Sandford Martin

Well not only being a favorite Bond film of  mine (I wanted to change my name to Domino after seeing this film and recall attempting to get my parents to agree to it), it is also an adage that I now realize has come to bite me in the butt, once again.

You see, I’ve become a beer drinker.

I never thought it would happen.  I’ve never really cared for beer much and only drank it when it was the only choice or when a group I was with were drinking it and I caved to the peer pressure of not asking for a cocktail or wine, lest I be laughed at.   But here I am, shamefully proud to say that I like beer.  Now mind you, the word beer encompasses a large variety of styles, not all of which I am a fan of.  However, about a year ago I started a journey of beer education thanks to a certain beer connoisseur I know and the love has steadily grown to make me realize how much I love a lot of beer.

Last night I drank one of the best beers I’ve had called Double Vision Doppelbock. What makes it so amazing it seems, are the barrels that it’s brewed in.  It has a lovely caramel sweetness & is one of the smoothest beers I’ve had.  Naturally, it was found at Monk’s Kettle, one of my favorite beer serving restaurants.  I felt pretty lucky to have tried it since it’s only there for a week (or until it runs out!).  My hope it to find it somewhere and buy as much of it as I can!  Sadly, the brewery is in Idaho, somewhere I’m not traveling to this year (which ironically is a shock as I seem to have been all over the country the past few months!).

SO the point of all this chitter chatter is to one, recognize to mind your P’s and Q’s and don’t mince words.  I really hope to never say never again in regard to trying something new (and I’m also considering naming one of my children Domino).

So I’m doing a leadership training course for work.  They make you do all these self evaluations prior to the class, one being a picture story evaluation.  Basically they show you a picture and you have to say what you think is going on, what had happened, what people are thinking, etc.

Being delirious at the end of a busy day, I think this is a good time to write the stories.  I think I’m most amused by this one and how they’re going to interpret my management style from it.

Sadly I could not copy and paste the picture but essentially it was of the back of a man looking at a captain with a cruise boat in the background.  The captain was saying something to the man.

Here is my short story:

Jack had always wanted to see Jamaica.  He had heard amazing things of the beauty of the beaches, the jungles and the exotic people.  This was his one chance to finally see something outside of his small life in Hoboken, NJ.  He had saved his pennies for years, working at the local joke shop.  It had been slow in coming, seeing as they were one of 5 joke shops in Hoboken.  But each whoopie cushion added up and here he was, standing on the brink of a grand adventure.  As he walked down the plank to the ship, he saw a captain standing there in a white hat.  He had to smile as he had always imagined the captain of a cruiseliner to look like that.  He noticed a dark look on the captain’s face as he approached.  He reached out to shake the captain’s hand but the captain quickly drew his hand away.  He had bad new.  The ship had been contaminated.  Swine flu, he said.  They were going to have to cancel the trip but he assured Jack he’d be able to take another trip in the future.  Sadly what the captain did not know was that Jack had only months to live.  Working in the joke shop, it seemed, was a hazardous occupation.  The asbestos in the building had caused him to develop cancer and he had stopped fighting it.  Jack turned away, wondering why life had to throw him so many curve balls.  Back to Hoboken and the joke shop…maybe the next life will be a better one.

As I read this to my coworker, I was pretty much in tears laughing…only imagining how they’d read into it.  What are your thoughts?